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Hollywood – Web 2.0 Style

 Hollywood - Web 2.0 Style

In no particular order, comparing companies and dotcoms to Hollywood counterparts:

YahooNicole Kidman
At some point in time, not too long ago, Nicole Kidman was a name-brand. Having her name and face on the posters meant you’d have a solid blockbuster that everyone went to see, from horny boys to horny housewives. She was married to Tom Cruise, men wanted her more than any Playboy playmate, and women wanted to be her. Somewhere along the lines, she became yesterday’s news, she married a country pop star (still dont get that one), and now she spends her time being overpaid to be in B-horror movies like Invasion and The Others. I dunno why, but when I think of Yahoo!, I think of Nicole Kidman.

GoogleOprah
Oprah has many many many fans who love her unconditionally, they will swear up and down that Oprah can do no wrong. Yet, she also has many haters who think she dumbing down America, and is just plain rude to Dr. Phil. Love her or hate her, you gotta admit, the girl’s got POWER. Oprah tells you she likes a book, it becomes a best-seller for the next 22 weeks. Oprah says she stopped eating meat because of Mad Cow Disease, the next thing you know, the Texas cattle industry sued her, claiming her simple WORDs cost them $12 Million! (it’s true, look it up) Oprah has been praised as one of the best and richest entertainers in America, cover story after cover story, and she came from humble roots and built herself into the mega-star that she is today. Google, give us your “O” face!

Wal-MartTom Cruise
Tom Cruise is a scientologist, people think he’s gay, people think his marriage to Katie Holmes is all for show, they think he is a weirdo, a freak, the anti-christ, who knows. But one thing you know is, the man is a huge movie star. So, America, you tell me—if you think Tom Cruise doesn’t deserve to be a mega movie star, why do you keep going to see his movies? The same can be said for our megastore, Wal-Mart. Everyone claims they don’t want to support them, they are doing evil things in order to get those super low prices, and yet, lo and behold, people are still flocking to Wal-Mart, dat after day. Tom Cruise sells movie tickets, Wal-Mart sells everything else.

YoutubeScarlett Johanssen
Scarlett is the latest “IT” girl. She has a great rack, a great body, and claims no cosmetic surgery. She also moved her way up the movie ladder QUITE quickly. Methinks there was some extra-curricular activities to get her those sought-after roles, but hey who can hate her, she’s freakin Scarlett Jo! Youtube is much the same. It’s fun, easy, everyone instantly is amazed by it and quickly loves it. Also, it plays a lot of good music. I wonder if I can type in a song on Scarlett Johanssen’s breasts and see the new Killers video. Next time I see her, I’ll give it a try.

FriendsterChristina Applegate (Kelly Bundy)
The original TV bleached blonde, Kelly Bundy showed America being a slut was cool and funny. Sure, she was slow, sure she was poor, but hey, you wanted her, because there wasn’t anyone else who did the same stuff for free. Same can be said for Friendster. It was slow, the functions weren’t all that great, but hey, my friends were on it, and so I wanted to be on it. That is, until the next Social Networking slut came walking by.

MySpacePamela Anderson
Oh Miss Pam Anderson, you were so popular for a while. I mean, sure people still talk about you now, but mostly to refer to your former self. At one point you were the hottest of the hot, every magazine, you had like 3 tv shows, but now you are just a joke. No one wants to be near you, and anyone who was near you claims they never were. Myspace is now that old whore.

FacebookLindsay Lohan
Miss Lohan, you took the dumb blonde attitude, added some red hair and bigger tits, and voila, Slut 3.0. Just be well aware, that your 15 minutes of fame are up pretty soon…especially since you can’t sell any movie tickets without a Disney logo attached to it. Facebook, you may have gotten your Microsoft bailout to legitimize your current social network reign, but I can assure you Myspace felt the SAME way about 12 months ago. So, keep at it, but watch your back, before the door hits you on the way out.

DiggAmy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse is like queen of the trainwrecks. How do simultaneously have a number one selling record and single (a song about not going to rehab) and yet, on a DAILY basis, you let down all of your fans by becoming piss drunk and stoned before every concert, sing horribly, get photographed with coke dripping out of your nose, and claim it is all because of your drug-addicted husband who is locked away in jail on drug charges. Amy Winehouse is slipping into a downward spiral of madness, and everyone is watching and feeling sorry for her, but at the same time, she does it to herself. Digg is the same trainwreck, imploding on itself, when it could have sold out at an earlier time and made itself a better and bigger Digg. Amy Winehouse has turned into a caricature of herself where most people are talking about her messups rather than her music, and the same goes for Digg.

PayByTouchBritney Spears
Probably the Queen of the 2007 trainwrecks, Britney was just amazing. I won’t even go into the details, because I’m sure all the super cool bloggers have gone into it all, but she was just unbelievable to watch. Pay By Touch achieved the same trainwreck greatness this year. I mean, the things that happened in regards to both Miss Spears and Pay By Touch were jaw-dropping. Bravo to both of you, I have been more entertained this year by both breakdowns more than I have by each of you, since both of your inceptions.

TechCrunchAdam Sandler
Adam Sandler is a funny guy, I’ll give chim that. But when in the world did he become a blockbuster movie guy? Why would people pay good money to see him play a retarded water boy? Why remake Mr. Deeds? Why? How did he become a movie star? Same to you, Mr. Arrington. How, when, and why did anyone start taking whatever you said about startups as gold? Did anyone bother to look at your track record? This I will never understand.

ValleyWagPerez Hilton
I know, I know, it’s too easy of a comparison. But as a longtime PerezHilton reader, I’ve gotta say Valleywag had the exact same effect on me, but BETTER. After the first Perez post that I read, I was hooked on his random writing and more random drawing on pictures. After randomly finding a Valleywag post when doing research on a company I was looking up, I fell in love with it. I check it regularly, from home, at work, on my iPhone. I just wish they posted even more! It’s just the perfect mesh of gossip and technology. Good stuff!

TechnoratiJessica Simpson
Girl, you is yesterday’s news, at one point in time everyone loved you more than anything, now they wouldn’t wipe their arse with you. The same goes for Jessica Simpson. Nuff said.

PowerSetParis Hilton
How did Paris Hilton get famous? Does she have a talent? Can she do anything besides look hot and say: “I look hot”? I mean, seriously, why did people spend day after day after day talking about her, hyping her up, her4 perfumes, her stupid reality show, her clothing line, her crappy movie roles. For some reason, people talk about PowerSet almost as much as they do about Hilton. What’s funny is that with all the lack of talent she has, she has still managed to do more to impress me than PowerSet has. I’ve got my fingers crossed that PowerSet comes out with a sex video. That will really push it to the top.

FirefoxJudd Apatow
Ever since Freaks and Geeks, Judd Apatow has garnered a cult following. He introduced characters on tv and in the movies that were so relatable, that sometimes you would be watching his movies and feeling like you remember that exact thing happening to you. He always had critical acclaim, yet his tv shows got cancelled. And then, starting with 40 Year Old Virgin, then Knocked Up, and more recently Superbad, Apatow got BOTH the critical acclaim and sold those movie tickets. He was the guy everyone loved to root for, and Firefox is the browser everyone loves to root for. It’s gaining momentum and soon enough it shall become the successful version of Judd Apatow instead of the Freaks and Geeks-Undecided version of Apatow.

MicrosoftMadonna
Madonna seems to have been around since Microsoft has, and just like Microsoft, Madonna constantly tries to reinvent her image. Every album has her trying new things, and yet, her fans will always like her best for her classic stuff. Sure, she gets some props here and there for her techno albums or her forray into country music mixed with funk mixed with whatever you want to call it. But, when it comes down to it, Madonna’s fans love her for her old music, and they will support her even with her new crappy albums. Same goes for Microsoft. Sure, you’ve got a lot of different products and services, but when it comes down to it, your fans are all about Windows (except Vista–blech!), and Office. We can’t live without Windows XP, MS Word, MS Excel, or Outlook….or can we? Here’s to seeing Madonna’s new album sell more copies than Windows Vista. (it will definitely have less in-store returns)

AppleHoward Stern
Howard Stern has always said what he wanted and did what he wanted. He spent years living in oscurity because his radio shock jock shtick was just not ready for prime time. But then, somewhere along the line, the bubble burst, and he had hundreds of thousands of fans, almost overnight. He did things people wished he could do. And his listeners were listening longer than any other DJ’s listeners would listen. His hardcore fans will swear up and down that he has always been the greatest since sliced bread. And his haters listen to his shows just to hear what he has to say next. I think Apple, much like Stern, has followers who love them, and followers who are following just so they can catch Apple when it slips up. Law of averages says it will happen, but who knows how soon. In the meantime, keep climbing the charts, and keep focus on not listening to the naysayers, just listen to your fans.

LinuxEllen Degeneres
The Linux penguin is funny, and it would probably dance if it had Happy Feet. Ellen is funny, and she always likes to dance and has happy feet. Bur seriously, like Ellen, Linux seems to be a nice alternative to all the shock schtick of the other 2 major OSes. Linux just wants to be simple and stable, without all the flash, and Ellen took that same route to reach her stardom. Of course, it took her many many years of her “nice” routine to really get noticed and have a major level of fans, but if that penguin just keeps at it, I’m sure it will, too.

iPhoneAngelina Jolie
Those lips! Those eyes! Those tits! Those legs! That ass! Men and women across the globe can all agree that Angelina Jolie is a thing of perfection, seemingly coming from another planet to blow us away by her sexy bod. Forget about her acting, she is just gorgeous to watch. Sure, she can’t really act, doesn’t make much of a believable action star, and her personal life is pretty crazy, but as soon as she steps into a room, or onto a magazine cover, the music stops and everyone loves to stare. Much like her, the iPhone garners as much love for its beauty and functionality. Sure, the phone service may not be the best,
the email is a little spotty, the Edge network is like molasses, but oh it is so damn sexy! The video quality! That screen! That auto-correct typing! The flipping of music albums with your fingers! I can honestly say that sometimes it’s a coin toss when it comes to fingering my iPhone or fingering Angelina Jolie.

RIAAMPAA
Okay, so the RIAA is like: “Hey man, dont steal music, the musicians need the money to feed their families!” and the MPAA is like: “Dont steal movies, thats like killing people and then eating their rotting corpses!” I’m like: “If you made music cheaper than $10 a cd and movies cheaper than $10 a movie, then maybe I wouldn’t steal so much because I have about 700 albums and about 100 DVDs. Jeez!” Eh, who am I kidding, as long as free music is available, I’ll have to keep on getting it.

CybersourceQuaker Oats Guy
Quaker Oats guy tells everyone: “Well, this is the right thing to do, and the right way to do it.” Well, I got news for your Quaker guy, many many many many people eat things OTHER than Quaker Oats, and they seem to be having great lives. Heck, they may even say Quaker Oats SUCKS. Deal with it. Same for you, Cybersource. You think you have the best gateway, the best screening, the best everything? I don’t think so. I think you are just as out of touch with the reality of online merchants as the old man who talks about Quaker Oats. Besides, I like Farrina much better.

ViacomCharleton Heston
The old man who claims he knows best…Viacom is telling everyone else what to think. Screw them. Screw Heston. And down with guns! You damn dirty apes!!

AdbriteCarrot Top
Seriously, Adbrite just sounds like Carrot Top. Somehow Carrot Top performs worldwide, and somehow Adbrite gets gigs, too.

VonageRosie O’Donnell
Rosie O’Donnell—annoying! Vonage—Annoying! Rosie O’Donnell: “Oh, wah wah wah, this isn’t fair” Vonage: “No, please don’t sue, wah wah wah” Vonage, you get what you deserve because you spent $25 Million a month getting that “Whoo-Whoo Whoo-whoo-whoo” song stuck in my head! And Rosie, you’ve always been the poor-man’s Roseanne Barr, and now you are gonna end up just like she is.

CnetRoger Ebert
He may be old, but we still rely on good old Roger Ebert to give us the skinny (no pun intended) on what he thinks of the movie. Sure, he usually doesn’t match what the typical American would think about when watching a movie, but I think we all listen to him simply because of the fact we all know he has seen MANY MANY movies. Hell, we have the movie reviews to prove it. Same goes for Cnet. I dunno if people actually rely on their reviews to decide on a product, but we’re all pretty sure when a new product comes out, Cnet will be reviewing it. And so we flock to their reviews just to see what they thought.

WikipediaSteven Spielberg
Oh Spielberg. This guy is like Hollywood’s golden director. Almost everything he does, is a blockbuster. And almost everything he does, is critically acclaimed. Hollywood can always rely on him to do something with grace, with pizzaz. Spielberg is like everyone’s favorite person to love: critics, fans, and people within the industry love him. Wikipedia is like everyone’s favorite website to love. Users, bloggers, techies, everyone loves Wiki. (hey that could be a tv show, Everyone Loves Wiki, okay fine maybe just a webisode)

AmazonTom Hanks
Oh, Tom Hanks is like Hollywood’s golden child. Everyone loves him because he doesn’t attempt to be flashy or special or anything other than Mr. Guy Next Door. And that is what Amazon is all about. They want to be your familiar online shopping, nothing too flashy, just simple, easy, you know what you will get with every purchase. And, like Tom Hanks, every year, Amazon continue to out-do their last year in sales. You go, boyees!

First Data CorporationRupert Murdoch
People don’t seem to realize, but Rupert Murdoch has got his nails dug deep into a LOT of media. Much like him, First Data is touching many many pennies across many many transactions. He and First Data are the 800 pound gorillas. Which one of them wants a banana?

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